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The role of sexual fantasies in intimate relationships

Sexual fantasies and orgasm

Women who are in long-term relationships with a partner and have a healthy sexual life would rarely admit they are fantasizing about having sex with somebody else. While in fact, almost all women have sexual fantasies of all sorts, even when they are having sex with their long time partners. The explanation is that both women and men are eager to defend their most vulnerable part of life - their sexuality. This is a most mysterious part of us so we tend to put up a mask of a confidence when it comes to anything about our sexual experience, both external and internal. The whole matter of having sexual fantasies seems to be dismissed at all when it comes to discussing sexual processes. Women can admit they have sexual fantasies, but strictly in lighter contests, like, say, imagining her having sex with great virile male stars in the movies. But only while the movie lasts. But ask her if she ever fantasized while having sex with her husband about being at the same time with her husband’s friend, or both of them simultaneously in bed with her, and she will kill you. That mere thought is illicit.

Fantasies are prerequisite for sex

There is no question that sexual fantasies play the same role in time before actual sex starts as relaxing music and a glass of red wine play. We, as human beings, strive for richer sexual lives and tend to expand our sexual practices. And sexual fantasies are essential ingredient.

Sexual fantasies and orgasm

Dr. Seymour Fisher in his book “The Female Orgasm” underlines that for most women who have problems with orgasm there is one force behind - they just cannot “let it go.” While every girl starts to have sexual fantasies about men in her puberty and never stops since, society has trained women even in most liberal countries to distrust their sexual arousal when it seems to originate in the realm of their imagination. Girls are being taught “to not get too far in their dreams,” for if they lead her somewhere in undesirable place, that will be all her fault. Women start to put restraints on themselves and on their men as well. There is little wonder that sex for many of us is rigidly controlled even if it has been a free choice for both partners.

Different rules for men and women regarding sexual fantasies

While it’s considered to be acceptable for men to watch porno-channel while preparing for sexual intercourse, women cannot afford that. Seems like sexual revolution never considered the right for women who already engaged in relationships for enriching their natural sense of eroticism with fantasies.

Women are considered to be perpetually waiting until their men would turn them on.

Suppressed desires and imagination

There is another great misunderstanding of the nature and role of female erotic fantasies, stemmed, perhaps, from Sigmund Freud’s dynamic psychology’s theories. Freud would explain most of fantasies, male or female, as a byproduct of the hidden sexual desires, the “Id,” as he called them, eager to flow on the surface of the life. This view, while relevant, completely excludes a role of imagination given to women to enhance their territory of desires. Women like to explore new, uncharted territories of sensations; they are prone to be stimulated in order to get to know even more sensations each time. Men are being simply put off by mere thought that their women can have erotic fantasies. Even though those are mere thoughts and exploration, for men they are real. Men start thinking that there is a competition going on in her mind and they have to prove it showing more alpha-maleness than invisible man in her fantasies.

He decides she really wants to do what she us fantasizing, probably has done it in the past with other men. In this way, she has been safely put into the category of “freaky,” “strange,” and “different.” There's nothing wrong with his sexuality; she's the crazy one.

Turn the fantasies for your own good

So - why not use this natural power of sexual fantasies? If you're more excited and aroused, your partner will know it and go further herself. And, as long as she doesn't know what you're thinking, you can imagine anything you like.

Do not get to the other extreme – do not have sexual fantasies replace a real life experience, make sure you keep it balanced.